Da Microsoft skulle lansere Windows 95, var det lenge uklart om også fristen i august -95 for utgivelsen også måtte overskrides. Litt snålt, hvis Windows 95 ikke ble utgitt før i 96. Men Bill Gates hadde en løsning på dette også. Han hadde planene klare for å kjø alle rettighetene til 1996 og døpe det om til 1995.
Bill Gates kom omsider til St Peters port. St.Peter klødde seg i hodet, og sa: "Ja, jeg vet ikke riktig hvor jeg skal sende deg. Du har jo gjort mye godt for menneskeheten, ved å skaffe dem PC'er og masse programmer som hjelper både leg og lærd. På den annen side så har du jo også skapt slik en nød for MAC-folket, og vederkveget alle andre med det forferdelige Windows 95. Jeg skal prøve noe jeg aldri har gjort før. Du skal få ta en liten prøvetur til hvert sted, og så få velge selv."
Først gikk turen til helvete, og Microsoft-gutten så en sandstrand med blått hav, og en masse slanke, deilige damer som løp rundt mer eller mindre avkledd.
I himmelen så Bill en masse skyer, engler og søt musikk.
"Ærede St. Peter", sa han. "Himmelen ser fredfull og vakker ut, minner meg om Windows 95 logoen, men jeg må innrømme at helvete er mer forlokkende."
Så dit dro han.
Etter et par uker tok St Peter seg en tur for å se etter nykomlingen. Bill Gates var hengt opp på en hard murvegg, omgitt av slikkende flammer, og ble torturert av djevelens bødler dag og natt.
Da Bill så St Peter, skrek han ut: "Hva har skjedd! Slik så det da ikke ut da du viste meg helvete."
"Å..." sa St Peter. " Det var demo-versjonen, det."
Stunned, President Clinton goes back Washington and tells his Chief of Staff to call a press conference because he needs to deliver a message to the American people. "The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is, the world ends Sunday."
President Yeltsin goes back to Russia and tells his top aide to schedule an appearance before the Russian congress. "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that despite what we've believed all along, there really IS a God. The worse news is that world ends this Sunday."
Bill Gates goes back to a meeting with MicroSoft's board of directors and says, "I have good news and some great news! The good news is that God himself thinks I'm one of the three most important people in the world! The great news is, we won't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98."
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE *** Project: Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers,
stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH); }
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
{
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
}
Tilbake