Bill Gates

Windows 98:

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates are summoned to a meeting with God. God says "You're the 3 most visible people in the world, so I'm breaking the news to you first so you can take my message to the people of Earth ... the world ends this Sunday."

Stunned, President Clinton goes back Washington and tells his Chief of Staff to call a press conference because he needs to deliver a message to the American people. "The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is, the world ends Sunday."

President Yeltsin goes back to Russia and tells his top aide to schedule an appearance before the Russian congress. "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that despite what we've believed all along, there really IS a God. The worse news is that world ends this Sunday."

Bill Gates goes back to a meeting with MicroSoft's board of directors and says, "I have good news and some great news! The good news is that God himself thinks I'm one of the three most important people in the world! The great news is, we won't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE *** Project:  Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include  /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
	if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
	{
		if (there_are_still_bugs)
			market(bugfix);
		if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
			raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
	}
	while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
	{
		make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
		if (rumours_grow_wilder)
			make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
		if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
		{
			market_time=ripe;
			say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers,
			stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
			order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
			order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE;
			break;
		}
	}
	switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
	{
		case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
			say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
			break;
		case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work");
			ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem);
			break;
		case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
			say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture");
			inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
			inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
			get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
			break;
		case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
			say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
			register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
			when(time_is_ripe)
			{
				arrest(journalist);
				brainwash(journalist);
				when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
				{
					order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist);
				}
			}
			break;
	}
	while (vapourware)
	{
		introduction_date++; /* Delay */
		if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
			break;
		say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH); }
		release(beta_version)
		while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
		{
			bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
			release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
			introduce(more_memory_requirements);
			if (customers_report_installation_problems)
			{
				say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
				if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
				{
					ignore(customer);
					order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
				}
			}
			if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
			{
				divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
				marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
				devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
				if (boobies_start_to_hang)
     					dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
			}
			if (there_is_another_company)
			{
				steal(their_ideas);
				accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
				hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
				wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
				buy_out(other_company);
			}
		}
		/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
		order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
		buy(nice_little_island);
		hire(harem);
		laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
	}
}


void bugfix(void)
{
	charge (a_lot_of_money)
	if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
	{
		say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
		if (still_complaints)
		{
			ignore(customer);
			register(customer, big_Bill_book);
			/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
		}
	}
}