Disse vitsene er dels skrevet ned fra eget hode, dels hentet fra News-gruppen no.vitser som etterhvert er blitt til no.fritid.humor Håper de faller i smak! Jeg skal prøve å slenge inn nye vitser etter hvert som jeg har tid og oppdager noen nye. Two students were taking organic chemistry at the university. Having done well in their work and labs, they were both going into the final exam with solid A's. So far so good. Trouble was, they were so confident that they decided to party the night before the big test. It was a great night; one thing led to another, and they ended up sleeping late the following morning.
They missed the exam! Disasterville!
Being inventive souls, though, they went to see the professor to explain that they had been visiting a sick, out-of-town friend the night before. On the way home they had a flat tire. With no spare tire and no car jack, they were stranded. They could only manage to hitch a lift back to town midmorning, which is why they missed the test. They were really sorry to have missed the exam, they said (they were so looking forward to it!) but wondered whether they might be able to take it that afternoon.
The professor thought about it for a moment and decided that this would be permissible. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them an exam booklet, and told them to begin.
Page one, question one. A simple one for five points. This will be easy! Having answered the first question each of the students turned the page for question number two: It read: "Which tire?" (95 points).
Dihydrogen monoxide (commonly knowns as "water"):
Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the US.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.
Please Send $3.00, or whatever amount you wish to:
DHMO
PMB 144
605-B Hwy. 62-65 N.
Harrison, AR 72601-2208
Please include your email address for fastest response!
"Herre, din jord bærer mat nok til alle, takk for den del du vil vi skal ha..."
Fordi når de styrter treffer de bakken slik: boeing, boeing, boeing...
Den første tar frem et munnspill og sier; "Jeg kan spille alle favorittmelodiene mine på dette."
Den andre tar frem en kortstokk; "Jeg kan spille poker med meg selv med disse."
Den tredje tar frem en eske Libresse med vinger; "Veeel, det står her at med disse så kan jeg svømme, ri, sykle og ellers gjøre hva jeg vil...."
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results to date are not promising.
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as
a person?
________________________________
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some
vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have
won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka,
and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to this University.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man on the ground. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Nå som vi har fått Internet, vet vi at dette ikke er tilfelle ....
Hun spør:
- Hvor lenge er det siden du smakte en sigarett?
- Ti år!, svarer mannen.
Og hun drar opp glidelåsen og trekker opp en vanntett pakke sigaretter.
- Fantastisk, sier mannen og trekker ned i lange drag.
- Hvor lenge er det siden du smakte en whisky?
- Ti år!, sier mannen, forventningsfullt
Og hun drar opp en whiskyflaske og to glass og sjenker opp.
- Nydelig, sier mannen og nyter whiskyen.
Og mens damen gjør seg klar til å ta av seg våtdrakten
spør hun:
- Hvor lenge er det siden du at hadde litt skikkelig moro?
- Hva? Ikke fortell meg at du har et golf-sett også oppi den drakten?!
Joda, og da han kom hjem så ble han jo spurt hvordan det gikk med damene. Jo, han hadde jo truffet en lekker gresk dame, men hadde hun kunne ikke engelsk og radøyværingen kunne ikke gresk. Men de hadde jo kommunisert på et vis med tegnspråk.
Damen hadde begynt med å tegne et glass, og mannen hadde skjønt hva hun ville og bestilte drinker. Så hadde hun tegnet kniv og gaffel, og de gikk og spiste middag på en fin restaurant. Og så hadde hun tegnet en seng, og det kunne radøyværingen virkelig ikke forstå: Hvordan i helsikke visste hun at han var møbelsnekker????
Denne er i følge Mykle selve urvitsen: (Se Lasso rundt fru Luna):
Ole sitter på trikken sammen med moren. Ole liker å se seg rundt på alle de rare menneskene han treffer ute, men har lært at man snakker ikke høyt om andre folks skavanker. Men i dag sitter det en mann med DEN nesen rett overfor dem, og mor er meget nervøs for at Ole skal plumpe ut med noe. Men, Ole er flink, og sier ingenting.
Når de skal av tar moren et godt grep i Ole, og fører ham bestemt ut. Men i det de står i døråpningen snur Ole seg, tydelig stolt over å sittet uten å si noe. Han sier, høyt og tydelig: "Men mamma, når vi kommer hjem, da skal vi vel snakke om nesen!!"
Kort tid etter kom en gammel, tynn dame bortover stien:
- Pappa, pappa, hun som kommer der er vel fin?
- Nei, sønn, bare skinn og bein.
Litt senere kommer en ung, pen dame, perfekte former og ganske pen.
- Pappa, pappa, hun er vel fin. Ikke for feit, og ikke for tynn.
- Nja. Faren dro litt på det. Jeg tror heller vi fanger henne og
så spiser vi din mor i stedet.....
Så går det en liten stund og så går dørene igjen opp så det rister i hele lokalet. Samme mannen kommer inn og går rett bort til bardisken der han ber om å få en dobbel vodka uten is, som han drikk på styrten, før han dunkar hodet i bardisken tre ganger, går bort til vinduet og hoppar ut. Alt dette igjen uten at noen reagerer.
Så går døren til baren opp for tredje gang. Samme mannen kommer inn og går rett bort til bardisken. En av gjestane i lokalet som har fulgt med på opptrinnet skynder seg bort og stiller seg ved sidan av barskingen og forsøker å innlede en samtale: - Hovrdan klarer du å overleve et hopp i fra 80. etasje? - Ikke noe problem. Du bare styrter en dobbel vodka og dunker hodet tre ganger i bardisken. Da tåler du hva det skal være.
Gjesten ber da straks om å få en dobbel vodka utan is, som han styrtar. Han dunker hodet tre ganger i bardisken som han har blitt fortalt at han skal gjøre, går bort til vinduet, åpner det og hopper ut.
Da sier barkeeperen til barskingen: Fy faen, du er ekkel når du er på fylla, Supermann!
Hva er favorittleken til ungene i Finnmark?
Overvåkingspoliti og RVer.
- Nå har dere stått her så trofast i 25 år, så nå har dere sannelig fortjent en gave. I dette øyeblikket skal jeg bringe dere til liv begge to, men bare for en halv time. Og i den halve timen kan dere gjøre akkurat hva dere har lyst til.
Og se, med ett ble statuene til levende mennesker! De stod et øyeblikk og så genert på hverandre. Så forsvant de inn i mellom parkens tette busker. Snart lød det sukk og stønn og latter og kvister som brakk.
Etter et kvarter kom de to statuene ut i fra buskene med store, fornøyde smil om munnen. Dere har et kvarter igjen, sa engelen, og blunket lurt til dem. Med et enda større smil snudde den kvinnelige statuen seg til den mannlige og sa:
- Flott, denne gangen holder DU den helvetes dua, så driter JEG på den!!